Dave Chappelle On Will Smith & Chris Rock Oscar Slap

boyyeah tough time for the blacksi'm not gonna say nothing about thepolice i'll leave that for chris rockanother big sports story was [ __ ] rayrice's tape anyone see that ray ricetapei can't stop watching itit's [ __ ] awful that's the mostviolent thing i've seen happen to awoman that was shot in colorreally [ __ ] bad like if i could frozetime at that moment and gave ray wrightsome advice i don't think there's anyway possible i'd be likeyou should punch her in the faceit's [ __ ] terrible out thereat the same time i also believe sheshouldn't have rushed himwhat the [ __ ] was he like no you can'tbeat him miss don't rush him[ __ ] train to stiff on peoplein the clutch he's going to get theupper handthe reason i bring him up is because youknow he's about to play football againyou didn't know that the nflwas told by a federal judge they had toreinstate ray rights because he wastransparent with their investigation hetold them exactly what he did and theycan't just change your ruling justbecause the tape came out i get itthat's like if i'm hanging out mybuddies i'm like hey guys guess what idid last night i [ __ ] this big fatgirl i met at the club and i'm like oh[ __ ] dave that's crazyand then they see a tape of me doing itand they're likewe can't hang out with you anymorethat's not what this crew is all aboutwhat i told youwhat's really [ __ ] up is the tape wasmade before they were marriedisn't that weirdi don't know why she did that i didn'tknow why he would do that as a guybecause you want to live with a womanthat you had once punched in the facewith all your strengththat's some very bold color purple type[ __ ] silly come out here and shave meyou know your [ __ ] mindi had to ask an older friend of minejust to get some perspectives olderblack dudeactually the fairest person i've evermet and i asked him i just said hey mani said did you see that ray rice videoand instantly he was like david that[ __ ] was disgustingand then a moment later he goesi wonder what she saidi don't think that mattersi think the idea is you're not supposedto punch her in the facemy wife says terrible [ __ ] to me my wifeonce called me a [ __ ]in front of dinner guests[Applause]i know i started to get mad but then iwas like[ __ ] she's probably righti am a [ __ ] i admiti'm soft and warm and persuasive like areal [ __ ]and then i told her i said if you don'ttake care of me properly i might snakelike your [ __ ]i always fight dirty the chapellehousehold it's not a big dealno no no if you want to get to thebottom of a matter of the heart whatyou're supposed to do is ask a woman nowactually there's two women that i knowthey're both college professors in thislittle area i live in and i meet themtwice a week at starbucks for coffeetalk about important [ __ ]and i asked girls in the coffee clutch isaid yo why y'all think that this womanstayed with ray riceafter he punched her in the face withall the strengthand one of my girlfriends said david youneed to wake the [ __ ] upshe's staying for the moneywell now wait a minute because my othergirlfriend was like i disagreei think that she actually loves himand that's wait a minute ladies you knowwhat i think that you're both rightand what i was doing when i said thatwas preserving the possibilityof a threesome with these [ __ ]i've been shipping away this [ __ ] onecup of coffee at a time for like fouryears i'm gonna throw all that hard workaway with some ray rice [ __ ]i don't care that muchi'm just being realit's [ __ ] up man it's tough time forthe blacksi love you tooand then here comes the banana peel i'mwaiting on anythingyou know that's how it startsi saw the paper today i saw the papertoday that the guy that threw the bananaat me got arrested again because hethrew a banana at another [ __ ]bar insane look it up online after theshow he actually did that and that guywas black tooand you know what a guy said he did itat night he said i did it because davechappelle is racist so that's not thebest way to handle that if i am racistwhat if martin luther king just wentaround throwing to the casserole onwhite paper would that work[Applause]i see your girl bubbling she's drunk ashell buddylisten sir i don't know what you'resaying but just take my advice get somewater in her or you're gonna have somecrab [ __ ] when you get homethis dick's gonna be shaped the [ __ ] uptomorrowsanta maria who got a cigarette thereanyone gotta see where everuh yeah you fell out oh yeah please[Applause]well let me see this this is a marlboromenthol this could have been anybodyit was a newport i'd be like a blankthing through that but marvel mentholthat's one of the realsis the word [ __ ] offensiveall right just checking this checkingi asked that crowd when he's in denver isaid is the word [ __ ] offensive and thewhole crowd said no except for twopeopleone was a woman in the front it's olderthan me maybe around my age uhdefinitely a feminist you know what imeanshort haircut plain shirt you know whati'm sayingand she didn't say it offended her whatshe said and she said i'm uncomfortablewith that word and i was like really youuhand then before i could ask you whythere was one other guy he was in thebalcony i don't think he was saying thisto me but he said this everybody heardhim say he goesit's deliciousi don't think i've ever heard it calleddelicious before in my life now this isnot to say that's badbut it's definitely an acquired tastei don't think any of us taste the [ __ ]on first time likeit needs somethingyou know it's illegal for a gynecologistto say the word [ __ ]they can only say vagina or they canname individual parts medically but theycan never say shorthand even if thegynecologist is a woman i feel likethere's a woman in college at schoollike am i right girl that [ __ ]i don't think men should be allowed tobe gynecologiststhat [ __ ] is a conflict of interesteven when my wife was pregnant we shouldgo to the gynecologistand he put her legs up in that stirruplike this he'd be like all rightchappelle just try to relax i push backup [ __ ] i got this just tell mewhat to look for[Applause]one of those home style checkupsthere's too many ethical questions likecan a gynecologist lose their licensefor smelling their fingers during examsis that illegalhow could they not these are menit's like if you have a good barbecueyou don't even think about it you just[Applause]the word [ __ ] is only offensive ifyou're older people my age and younger idon't think we even we danced to that[ __ ]the song come on radios i beat the [ __ ]up this on the radio i beat the [ __ ] upthat's a pretty harsh songit's like nothing like a love songthere's no tracks tears no midnighttrains in georgia this man simplybeats the [ __ ] up unbelievableyou don't even know if he's having sexwith these women they might just pulltheir pants down he'll be likei could be watching hbo i am larrymerchant standing here ringside with the[ __ ] after a devastating bottle of 50centlet me talk to you for a second my godyou look terrible your lips seem to beswollen you're bleeding a little bittell me what happened inside of thatring with 50.i don't know there i felt really good inthe first round i was ready to fightit's warm and moist and um i don't knowif you see it from angles i wasn'texpecting the front leftback side surprised me the mostwell [ __ ] let's take a look at roundfour this is where it all went wrong foryouhere you come out of your corner [ __ ]if it's really good it looks like yougot 50 with a right in the left within50 slips you jab in there there rightthere you see that he punches you righton that um that little bean thing youhave on the top of your head i don'tknow what that is butthere's 50 just pounding away at thatbean over and over and that [ __ ] tellme what goes through a fighter's mindwhen their beam gets rattled around likethati don't think i was thinking anythinglarry you know i'm a real good defensivefighter it's real hard to get to me uhi've never been punched directly on mybeam beforeas a matter of fact most fighters don'teven know that being existsi guess you just hit me then i lostcontrol of my legs i don't know whatelse to tell youi like when little wayne talks about[ __ ]little white little wayne just had thatsong he said i got a bishop plays moviesin my jacuzzi and it goes likethis does it juicythat [ __ ] always makes me laugh butthere's no guy says they don't onlylittle wayne sings what you like if you[ __ ] gunshot is just [ __ ] good [ __ ]it's juicyokaythat's why i'm not low weight cause if iwas in a hot tub with a girland i could tellthat the [ __ ] was juicywhile i was in the hot tubi'd probably get out of the tubi'm agermaphobe i just picked a little waynelikewhat is this strange oilfloating in my hot tub waterit's [ __ ] juiceand she was so funny to me i must havewrote like no less than 40 jokes withthe punchline [ __ ] juiceand all of them work to some degree 100of the timei'll do one more just so you believe itokayall rightin this next pieceis a special episode of csifor some reasonlil wayne's guest starringas the lead detective okay that's thesetup are you readyhere it goeshas anyone else been on this crime scenenoit's very strange uhthis place is virtually undisturbed noforced entryno sign of a struggleshiny flashlight right herewhat is thiswhat is thisit glistensto the touchthis plus juice[Applause]everybody's mad about somethingrecently i got attacked online by somegay bloggers and it hurt my feelingsi have no problem with gay people but i[ __ ] hate bloggersi'm not saying it because this personwas gay they was acting like a [ __ ]online they was like mischaracterizingmy jokes trying to make a point off ofme when it's really it's like yo i'myour ally [ __ ] i'm not trying tostop gay people i got better [ __ ] to dothis [ __ ] was saying things andtrying to get gay people to beat me upseriously he was like dave chappelle'sjokes i don't know how he actually talkswhen he's making this voice updavid chappelle's jokeswere an affront to the manhood of allgay menwhat the [ __ ] does that mean i didn'tsay anything that would allude to gaymen not being men i know you meantin factwhat could be manlierthan [ __ ] another guy in the assit's the most gangsta [ __ ] i've everheard of in my lifei told you i'm not cut out for that i'ma [ __ ][Applause]you know what i saidthat's all i said first of all i'll tellyou right now what i saiduh and i will tell you that this was nota joke it's a true storyand i just happened to tell himall right what happened was i went to agallery party all right i don't know whoin here has ever been rich before butthese are very nice partiesuh you know wine and cheese and ballerconversationand there was a few eccentric typesone of which was a very wealthy man thathappened to be wearing a dress i don'tknow what you call now he was a [ __ ]or drag queen perhaps whatever it washe's definitely a manand this man was definitely on drugs idon't know what kind of drugs he's onbut i knew he had too muchhe didn't look goodlike thishe looked sick and all his friends werestanding around him concerned trying torevive him i don't know whether itlooked like some kind of gay cpr fanningand [ __ ][Applause][Music]i saw all this from a distance now ishould have minded my own business but igot curious i was likeand i went over there all i said i saidexcuse me gentlemen gentlemenis he okayand then they looked at me like i wasevil[Laughter]sheissay word ohi'm sorry i didn't know this is what wewere doing umhere's my thingi support anybody's rightto be whoever they feel like they areinside i'm your ally in thathowevermy question isto what degreedo i have to participate in yourself-imageis it fair that i had tochange my whole pronoun game up for this[ __ ]seriousif i pull on an argyle sweater and i'mlike hey everybody i feel like a whiteguy in the sweater and i want somegoddamn respect in a bank loan it's notgonna work[Music][Music]we got to have to be patient[Music][Applause][Music]they wantthey want to use your case[Applause][Music][Applause][Music][Music][Music][Music]busted[Music][Music]we got[Music][Applause][Music]if we answer[Music]hmm[Music]