LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOMEWELCOME, ONE AND ALL,TO "THE LATE SHOW."I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.TONIGHT, THE BIG STORYIS THAT CHICAGO MAYORLORI LIGHTFOOT FAILED IN HER BIDION TWO WIN REELECTION.AND FOR MORE ONTHAT, WATCH SOMETHING ELSE,BECAUSE I HAVE NO OPINION.ANOTHER THING I HAVE NO OPINIONABOUT?WHERE THE CORONAVIRUS CAME FROM!I WANNA KNOW WHERE IT IS NOW,SO I CAN NOT BE THERE.ON SUNDAY, WE LEARNED THAT THEDEPARTMENT OF ENERGY BELIEVESTHAT THE COVID PANDEMICWAS THE RESULT OF A LAB LEAK,A BELIEF THEY HOLD WITH"LOW CONFIDENCE."THAT'S NOT REASSURING.IT'S LIKE IF ARBY'S CHANGEDTHEIR SLOGAN TO "WE'RE PRETTYSURE WHAT WE HAVE IS MEATS."IF I HAD TO GUESS.GUN TO MY HEAD, I'D SAY MEATS.BACK IN 2021, IT WAS FIRSTREPORTED THAT THE FBIHAD "MODERATE CONFIDENCE" THATTHE PANDEMIC WAS THE RESULTOF AN ACCIDENTAL LAB LEAK.BUT THE FBI NEVER PUBLICLYACKNOWLEDGED IT,UNTIL YESTERDAY, WHEN WEHEARD FROM FBI DIRECTORCHRISTOPHER WRAY, SEEN HEREANNOUNCING THE ARRESTS MADEIN "OPERATION BAZOOMBAS."YEAH.MASSIVE FORCE.MASSIVE DISPLAY OF FORCE.HE SAT DOWN WITH FOX NEWSAND DROPPED THIS OPPOSITEOF A BOMBSHELL.>> THE FBI HAS FOR QUITE SOMETIME NOW ASSESSED THAT THEORIGINS OF THE PANDEMICARE MOST LIKELY A POTENTIALLAB INCIDENT IN WUHAN.>> Stephen: MOST LIKELYPOTENTIAL.THAT IS DARN CLOSE TOHYPOTHETICALLY NEARLYCONCEIVABLY IMAGINABLE MAYBE.SOMEWHERE BETWEEN POSSIBLEAND PROBABLE,SO IT'S DEFINITELY"PROSSIBLE."WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF INFINITEPROSSIBILITY.STILL, EVERYBODY WANTSA DEFINITIVE ANSWER ON THIS.AND I'M SURE IF THE FBI DIRECTORIS FINALLY GOING TO ANNOUNCETHIS ON TV, HE'S GOT A WHOLE LOTOF DETAILS TO SHARE.>> THERE ARE NOT A WHOLE LOT OFDETAILS I CAN SHARE THAT AREN'TCLASSIFIED.>> Stephen: OKAY, IF YOU CAN'TSHARE IT, MAYBE TELL SOMEONEAT THAT CHINESE LAB, AND IF THEYLEAK IT, YOU'LL KNOWYOU WERE RIGHT.IF THE FBI ISN'T WILLING TOSHARE THE PROOF TO BACK UPTHEIR STATEMENT, I AGREE WITHDR. FAUCI WHO SAYS THAT, WHEN ITCOMES TO THE ORIGINS OF COVID,"WE MAY NEVER KNOW."IT'S A HARD TRUTH BUT A TRUTH WEALL LEARNED FROM THE CLASSIC PSPSA.>> I DON'T KNOW.>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE DON'TNEED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUTANYTHING TO HAVE SOME PRETTYSTRONG OPINIONS.TAKE GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVEAND...>> [BOOS]>> Stephen: AND ESCAPED DIORAMAOF A NEANDERTHAL FEMALE,MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.YESTERDAY, GREENE WAS ATA SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING ON COVID.SHE WAS AGAINST MOST OF THEPRECAUTIONS, LIKE MASKS,AND VACCINES, AND LOCKDOWNS.AND SHE MADE A PRETTYCONVINCING POINT ABOUT THEPRESENT STATE OFAMERICAN EDUCATION.>> THE RESPONSE TO COVID-19WAS DEVASTATING TO OUR COUNTRYAND IT'S GOING TO BE YEARSBEFORE WE REALLY KNOWTHE EFFECTS AND THE OUTCOMEON OUR SOCIETY AND ESPECIALLYON OUR CHILDREN.WHAT IT DID TO OUR CHILDREN'SMATH AND READING LEVELSIS HORRIFIC.HERE'S WHAT IS SHOCKING TO ME.THERE ARE 1 MILLION 524 --524,480 --THIS IS OVER ONE MILLION,1.5 MILLION.>> Stephen: OKAY.RIGHT?[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]I KNOW WATCHING THATMADE MY MATH LEVEL DROP.I'M GONNA SAY BY AT LEAST1 POINT TWELVITY-NINE-107.5BEST OF THE '80s, '90s,AND TODAY.♪ 867-5309! ♪588 ♪GREENE CLARIFIED WHERE SHE'SCOMING FROM WITH ALL THIS COVIDINFO.>> I'M NOT A DOCTOR.>> Stephen: THANK YOU.NO ONE THOUGHT YOU WEREA DOCTOR.THE VIBE I GET IS "NURSE WHOPOCKETS THE CODEINE."SPEAKING...REALLY?ALL RIGHT.SPEAKING OF NURSES, YESTERDAYJOE BIDEN WAS IN VIRGINIA BEACHTO GIVE A SPEECH ABOUT THE COSTOF HEALTHCARE AND HE CHEERED UPTHE CROWD WITH A FEELGOOD STORYABOUT BEING IN THE ICU.>> BY THE WAY, YOU DOCS AREGOOD, BUT IF THERE ARE ANYANGELS IN HEAVEN, THEY ARE ALLNURSES, MALE AND FEMALE.YOU KNOW WHY?YOU GUYS LET US --YOU GUYS MAKE US --ALLOW US TO LIVE, BUT NURSESMAKE YOU WANT TO LIVE.WHEN I WAS AT WALTER REEDALL THAT TIME AFTER A COUPLECRANIOTOMIES, I WAS LYING THERE,AND I HAD A NURSENAMED PEARL NELSON, MILITARY.SHE'D COME IN AND DO THINGS THATI DON'T THINK YOU LEARNEDIN MEDICAL SCHOOL --IN NURSING SCHOOL.[LAUGHTER]IN NURSING SCHOOL.[LAUGHTER]>> Stephen: IS IT OVER YET?I CAN'T LOOK, BUT I ALSO CAN'TLOOK AWAY.I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHINGA CHAINSAW JUGGLERWITH A CASE OF THE SHAKES.OKAY, EVERYONE AGREES NURSES AREHEROES, I UNDERSTAND, GO ON.>> SHE'D WHISPER IN MY EAR.I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HER.>> Stephen: YES, WHEN YOU'REIN A COMATOSE STATE,NOTHING IS MORE COMFORTING THANSOMEONE GETTING RIGHT NEXTTO YOUR HEAD AND GOING[WHISPERING]ASSA-FASSA-WADDA-KASSA-FASSA-FA.MAYBE SOME ASMR.[CRINKLING]STAY ALIVE.[CRINKLING][WHISPERING]SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.MMM.MMM.FRITOS.HE WENT ON.>> SHE'D ACTUALLY BREATHE ON METO MAKE SURE THAT THERE WASA CONNECTION,A HUMAN CONNECTION.SHE EVEN WENT HOME AND BROUGHTBACK HER PILLOW FROM HER OWN BEDBECAUSE THE ONE I HADWASN'T COMFORTABLE.>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKEA HORROR STORY.[WHISPERING]"I'VE BROUGHT MY OWN PILLOW.AHHHH.DON'T WORRY, IT'LL ALL BEOVER SOON.ASSA-WASSA-ASSA-WASSA.SHH."HOW LONG DID THAT TAKE?HOW LONG WAS THAT?THERE'S SOME TROUBLING NEWS FROMTENNESSEE, THANKS TO REPUBLICANGOVERNOR AND DAD'S FRIEND SAYING"WOW, YOU REALLY GREW UPOVER THE SUMMER", BILL LEE.LEE ANNOUNCED HE WILL BE SIGNINGTENNESSEE'S SWEEPING NEWANTI-LGBTQ BILLS, WHICH,AMONG OTHER THINGS WILL BANGENDER-AFFIRMING TREATMENTFOR TRANSGENDER YOUTH.COME ON.TRANSGENDER OR NOT, ALL TEENSSTRUGGLE WITH FIGURING OUTRELATIONSHIP TO THEIR BODIES.YOU THINK UNILEVER HAD GROWNADULTS IN MIND WHEN THEY MADEAXE BODY SPRAY IN GOLDEN MANGO?YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO."MOM, I DID SHOWER!"TENNESSEE ISN'T JUST COMING FORTHE YOUNG ONES.THE GOVERNOR HAS SAID HE'DSIGN A BILL THAT WOULD RESTRICTDRAG SHOWS.YES, HE WANTS TO SEVERELYLIMIT DRAG.OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID NOTCREATE THIS COUNTRY SO MEN COULDWEAR FRILLY SHIRTS, SILKSTOCKINGS, AND POWDERED WIGS!>> THAT'S GOOD.>> Stephen: SPECIFICALLY,THE BILL CRIMINALIZES"ADULT-ORIENTED"PERFORMANCES BY "MALE OR FEMALEIMPERSONATORS."WHICH MEANS THE CITIZENS OFTENNESSEE WILL FINALLY BE SAFEFROM REBA MCENTIRE!OH, YES.REBA IS EXPOSING OUR CHILDREN TOTEMPTING BUCKETS OF BREASTSAND THIGHS.TO DEFEND TARGETING THE LGBTQCOMMUNITY, GOVERNOR LEE CLAIMSTHE BILL WOULD PROTECT CHILDRENFROM BEING "POTENTIALLY EXPOSEDTO SEXUALIZED ENTERTAINMENT."OKAY, BUT "SEXUALIZED"IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CONTROLTHAT?"IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT THAT NONEOF THEIR ELEMENTARY SCHOOLTEACHERS WEAR OPEN-TOED SANDALSAND HAVE A REALLY LONG MIDDLETOE, ALMOST LIKE A FINGER?REAL GRACEFUL.HIGH ARCH.THAT WOULD BE WRONG.I'LL SEND YOU SOME PHOTOS."PLUS, THIS WHOLE STUPID BILLIS REDUNDANT, BECAUSE TENNESSEEALREADY BANS OBSCENITY IN FRONTOF MINORS.IT WAS LANDMARK LEGISLATION.IT'S WHY THE GREATSMOKY MOUNTAINS HAD TOPUT ON A BRA.EVEN, OH, YEAH.EVEN TENNESSEE REPUBLICANS ARECONFUSED BY THIS BILL.WHEN IT WAS BEING DISCUSSED INTHE STATE LEGISLATURE,ONE REPRESENTATIVE RAISEDAN IMPORTANT QUESTION.>> IF WE'RE HAVING APROFESSIONAL WRESTLING SHOW AT ACOUNTY FAIR, AND SOME PROMOTIONDECIDES TO HAVE A BRAAND PANTIES MATCH,IS THAT, YOU KNOW,POTENTIALLY A CRIME?>> Stephen: "AND WHILE WE'RE ONTHE SUBJECT, WHAT ABOUT,SAY, IF SOME OF THE BLUE RIBBONCOWS HAVE A WET T-SHIRT CONTEST?YOU KNOW, REAL TASTEFUL STUFF.CLEAVAGE BUT NO FULL TEAT.I MEAN, VIDEO TAPEDFOR DISTRIBUTION.WOULD THAT BE A CRIME?OR COULD SOMEONE SELL THATIN THE LOBBY TODAYFOR $24.99ON DVD?YOU KNOW WHO ELSE CAN'T DEFINEWHAT DRAG IS?GOVERNOR BILL LEE.BECAUSE THE DAY BEFOREHE ANNOUNCED HE'D SIGN THE BILL,A PICTURE OF HIM EMERGEDDRESSED IN DRAG IN HIGH SCHOOL.OKAY, OKAY.OKAY, ADMITTEDLY THOSE ARESOME GREAT GAMS.BUT I'M SORRY, THOSE PEARLS?GOVERNOR, REMEMBERWHAT COCO CHANEL SAIDABOUT ACCESSORIES.BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE,LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AND STOPTRYING TO SCORE POLITICAL POINTSWITH YOUR BASE AT THEEXPENSE OF REAL HUMAN BEINGS,YOU DICK.WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOWFOR YOU TONIGHT.MY GUESTS ARE MICHELLE YEOHAND STAR OF "DAISY JONESAND THE SIX," RILEY KEOUGH.BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,"MEANWHILE"!JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
