Elliot In The Morning: Bert Kreischer [INTERVIEW]

what's up brother hey what's going ondudewhat's wrong your voice what's with thevoice what's with your voice oh a goodpartying too muchyou know me I I have a hard time reelingit back inum so listen let me start with this uhlast night I gathered the Tire Siegelfrom the uh around the living room anduh we sat down and we all watched RazzleDazzle dude the special is so freakinggoodbrother that is all I wanted to hear Ican hang up now thank you all right verygood nice talking to you no dude it ishonestly it is from from beginning toend I laughed so hard and I don't Idon't want to give anything away and Idon't want to give too much of it awayuh first of all let me say this rightoff the top you look great you lookreally goodI look low-key Jack right yeah yeah okaythat's one description you lookbeautiful though you look beautifulwithout gaining weight for a movie theygo what movie I go I already shot it Iwant to look at it and think I wasskinnybut starting with starting at the verybeginning with uh with Leanne and thepocket knife in your ass hairs all theway through the uh the escape room dudeI laughed I laughed so freaking hardduring the uh during the special Ireally didI hope you understand how much thatmeans to me your uh sensibility and ifyou like it that I mean obviously youknow we've been friends forever but likethat that's this is where the the rubberhits the road is like you make somethingand you hope everyone likes it andsometimes you'll get like Mass Appealbased on whatever but when your friendslike it that is and I I that means moreto me in the world I have to cry I thankyou[Laughter]that so obviously that special is out uhit just started streaming and I I'massuming we'll do do very very well butthen we also there's so much going onwith you Bert I can't even take it thethefully loaded Comedy Tour dohour that you're doingyeah I just did it over at Rogan's uhRoseville Club the other day I have anew hour it's not obviously it's notpolished the way the the special is butI have all the material I just have tofigure out where to place it and havefun with it now and then I think I get alittle leeway and like if I wanted Ithink I can tell the escape room stillon stage yes and have fun with it youknow but uh but yeah yeah I I mean lookyou got it they came all the fun timesif you're not writing new materialyou're you're going you're going awaycan I can I pay you a compliment that Idon't know has ever dawned on me andlisten I I get it that if you are if youare a successful and I mean Successfulstand-up comedian you have to work rightit's not all just mess around but Inever see you not messing around so theidea that you wrote an hour performed anhour a great hour Let it Loose andthere's a whole other hour I feel like Imissed the part where you actually workyeah yeahthat's what everyone does including mydaughters they're like you don't doanything but party I go guys I'm workingtrust meI don't know I don't know where you fitit in and you know and the other thingis of all as long as we've known eachother and as long as we we we've talkedwhether it's on the air off the air I'venever had you go Oh Hey listen I can'ttalk right now I'm in the middle ofworking like I've never unless it's onstage I've never I've never got thatresponse from youno you know I I think I compartmentalizethings and I think obviously you knowI'm part of part of my job is livinglife I mean part of like writing isliving life and having fun and laughingwith your friends I mean I was going tostop the other day yesterdayand I came up with the funniest bitabout Lee about Leanne and we werecrying laughing and I was like hey I'mjust you know I'm using that on stage hewas like I hope so so yeah it's part ofliving life is I mean the thingabout the route familystory and then you saying that should goon stage the machine Story I mean thinkabout that that was me coming on tellingthat to you and you going Dad should beon stage I mean that that's I meanthat's you know part of my work is partof my work is just showing up righthonestlyand then the the last thing and then I'mnot going to talk about the specialanymore I'm not going to talk about thespecial anymore but you go on a run ofjokes from Gandhi to someone gettingtheir period dude my stomach hurtoh man I'm telling you I I I that Ithank you thank you The Godly self hurtmy feelings from the girls but whateverthat worksIsla's the [ __ ] in George's like hermom just mean[Laughter]um all right so the fully loaded ComedyFestival is coming to Baltimore uh June15thum I was looking at the I was looking atthe uh the the schedule bird and I goback to like remember when you weredoing it at like minor league ballparksand I thought that was cool I thoughtthat was awesome this isn't minor leagueballparks these are arenas God damnyou're playing the T-Mobile Center inVegasyeah yeah well we well it's funny we westart We Set uh tennis records and allthe ballpark we played at and I was likeand they ran out of beer like within thefirst hour they ran out of beer in theseplaces because we were spending recordattendance and I was like I was so proudthen the one of the owners was like heyman just so you know like it's it's it'sa cheat code like we can't fit people onthe infield but like don't don't patyourself on the back too hardso but yeah but the venues we outgrewthe venues and so we upgraded venues inthe first year and so we're now we'redoing a lot of Arenas and the Arenas area little better for the talent like thecomics like them better and and I Ipersonally would just stick in ballparksbut we're in a weird place where youknow the talent list is the same I meanLewis Black Tiffany haddish David PatelI mean and so yeah we're just going asbig as we can is it at the point thoughBert where if you call someone unlessthey have like some like tour booked andlike Tiffany haddish and David tell willbe in Baltimore and they've got otherstuff going on so maybe they pick andchoose but is it at the point whereeverybody's like oh hell yeah I want todo that showyeah I mean I I think I got a lot what'sfunny is I've gotten a lot of peoplereach out since we announced it like alot of people have reached out and beinglike hey man how do I get on the tour Iwas like I would I'll throw you all onthe tour and and even I've offered acouple guys I can't say their names butI was like big names I was like no I'llput you on a private chat and I'll flyyou in to do the show because for meit's not about making money it reallyisn't I'm making money doing my own tourthis is about the experience and havingfun and and all Comics hanging outduring the summer and and watching eachother's work and and giving each other'snotes and so yeah I mean Tiffany I raninto Tiffany at the Daytona 500 and shewas like yo I went on and I was like duhI mean done in front of the worldtwo bears at uh at Daytona was thatawesomethat was horribleTom doesn't know aboutcare about NASCAR dude the end of thatrace if it hadn't ended the way it didbut but the lead up to the end and youknow you taught me everything aboutNASCAR right well that's sad but yes youtaught me everything about NASCAR theend of that race when they keptrestarting was so exciting it bummed meout that it ended the way it did butwhatever I don't carebut that was I mean it was awesome likeI'm watching the coverage of the Daytona500 and I'm you know I'm reading stuffonline and everything I'm like God damnthere's Bert Kreischer he's at theDaytona 500. dude I loved it I had ablast I loved it I mean not racist carswhich makes no sense to me but I had ablast dude that that event delivers thatevent is like the first time you loseyour virginity and I say first timebecause I messed up the first time butthe second time you lose your virginityum and then the you know the the thingthat I want to go on like for all thecrap that you get to do and I crap in anice way you know what seems like itwould be awesome is the cruisesay no more I bring I'll bring you andJackie on the cruise in a heartbeat areyou kidding me I would love for you tocome on the cruise and it's it's soldout in record time and and I made themistake of saying if you want to getmarried I'll marry you and now legithalf of the people are just there for amarriageand cruises as cruises come up from timeto time bird and here's my problemJackie won't go on a cruise at all sheshe hates the idea she's never been onone she hates the eye she hates the ideaof it yes Cruz is going to be so muchbetter I know that's what I and I toldher I was like this would be great bythe way it's not just my wife Dianewon't get her ass on a cruise ship andTyler will get Tyler won't get on acruise shipdude cruises are so much fun just gotthe Guy Fieri Burger Bar is worth itthat is anyone that's ever been on acruise goes oh yeah that that is sickfour o'clock in the afternoon you canget as many patties as you want youdon't pay for it all the pixels are onthe right you can put anything as youwant you go up to the Lido deck murderthat burger then go to your roomCollegeshirt get three entrees it is thefunnest time of your lifeI don't see the downside but Jackiewon't go she's got this thing of like ifI can't see land it'll mess me up butTyler and Diane just had no interest andit kills me all I want to do is go on acruise and yours of all cruises I wantto go on yoursif you land it'll mess meshe won't do it she won't do it what ishe the queen of Spaindude come on the cruise with me andwe'll blow it up on your Instagram andthat's all you'll see all weekend and Iguarantee you we got her back dudeespecially this Cruise they've gotwhere all the all the like where I wouldput you and that is sick it's a privatepool it's you you have access in and outof the regular cruise to your own roomso you don't have to go like food publicand all the rooms have like two bedroomsand they're in same balconiesoh they have they have the rooms havetheir own hot tubs it issick in my mind I was going to bejumping into a pool and like likegetting like uh like having to part myway through like cigarette buttsbut we can do that alsoyeah but I'm telling you I'm telling youplease please please please pleaseplease pleaselet let me send over a package to try tosell Jackie oh please I would lovenothing more I'd love nothing more it isgoing to be so much fun it sold out soquickly that I was that I was like I wasbummed because I had like nine promosyou know I spent like a whole day onthat exact cruise ship shooting promoswe all we did was announce it and it andit sold out so I have a bunch of bubblesin my pocket waiting for them yeah andnow it's just wait list all right I'mbefore I run out of time I want to getthrough a couple more things have youseen a finished product of the machineoh yeah I have yeah is it is iteverything you wanted it to beit's uh it's more I'm very vulnerableabout it because I I you know I was sameway about the specials like I know thematerial works I've been doing it butwhen you say that you like it it means alot to me and I go I go I like almostlike I exhale I feel the same way aboutthe movie I felt the same way about thetrails every trailer we've released I'mlike people won't like it or if theydon't like it and everyone's alwaysliked it I I am hoping from my mouth toGod's ears that this movie does bananasopening weekend it does crazy numbersand I can sign on for machine two threeor four and then call it a career that'sall I want to do I want to do the Fastand Furious and Russian mafia movieshahahahey I saw when you played Emily Arenathe the big arena in Tampa and your yourparents were there and you played theyou played the trailer up on the uhJumbotron and I know that you weren'tsupposed to and like everybody gotpissed but you said something that wasinteresting to me your dad your mom anddad obviously were at that show were wasit a bit where you said that that wasthe first time legit that your dad hadever seen you do stand upyeah he's never seen me do stand up he'sbeen to clubs and sat in the green roomand not listenedum you know like to see me because I'min townbut you've never actually sat andwatched me to stand up and so I got thema box at Family Arena uh Wade Boggs satwith themdo you know Wade bonds buddy I know it'sokaywhen did you think I met Wade bondscome on dadand so so uh yeah that was the firsttime you'd ever see me do stand up andit was funny he had a hard timedid a hard time I mean this is you knowhow deep Dad we had but he had a hardtime complimenting mehe goes uh he saw the escape room bit Idid it because uhhey man I sound a little off off killsher on that one and I said yeah you areand he goes why but I wasI mean your imagination is pretty bigbuddy I wasn't that upset I was likeokay what did you want me to do in thestory dad like and my dad's a great guyand you know he didn't get that upset soI hope you guys enjoyed the story I goDadum all right last two things last twothingsum oh I heard you on a I heard you on apodcast with Dana Carvey and uh DavidSpadeand two things well three things comeout of that hearing Dana Carvey talk alittle bit blue and talk about crushing10 beers that makes me laugh a littlebit oh my Godthat's nuts like you would never expecthim and he's got the same like flyingfears that you do but here in Dana himgoing him going oh you're an alcoholicif you order a beer at eight in themorning but you can have them you canhave a margarita or a bloody Mary andI'm like Dana I can't believe we'rebrothersI also like youreferencing uh during that podcasttalking about Tom Segura but justmentioning he's a local Austin Comicmade me laugh hardall right but here's what I want to knowand and I don't want you to I don't wantyou to avoid the question I also don'twant you to lie to me okayduring the conversation you're talkingto Dana Carvey and you're talking to uhuh David Spade and Saturday Night Livecomes up and you're talking about likethe differences of like Farley andyou're talking about Sandler and andJohn Belushi and it's a greatconversation of comedy and it's a greatconversation of Saturday Night Live butin the middle of the conversation DavidSpade very offhandedly into the sidemakes a comment about there's a secretand we can't say anything are youhosting Saturday Night Live[Laughter]Bert Kreischer are you hosting SaturdayNight LiveI love you guys it was so good callinginum you guys have been supporting me myentire career and it means the world andif ever anything big happens to mycareer like on on a weekend evening Iwill be the first to let you knowokay let me ask you in a different waylet me ask you in a different way[Laughter][Music]Saturday Night Live would that be adream come true for you let's just let'sjust say it would beit would be a very tough decisionbecause I don't want to deal with theanxiety and posting Saturday Night LiveI do not want to deal with the anxietyposting Saturday Night Live at all butit's something I cannot walk away from Icannot say no to but I would be it wouldbe it would be a very very very roughthing because I I I yeah you know it'ssuch a loaded questionhahahadid you spend a whole day shooting thosepromos also Berthey everyone needs numbers these dayseveryone needs a new marketer Elliotthey're looking for a call and see thework showwe're doing Saturday Night Live at 10A.M Saturday morningall right dude hey Razzle Dazzle isstreaming now on Netflix Bert I I couldnot be happier for you it's awesomefully loaded Comedy Festival with Davidtell Tiffany haddish that'll be at CFGBank Arena in Baltimore obviouslythere's the cruise and the Machine willbe out uh Memorial Day Weekend Bert Ilove you to death buddy I love you waymore thank you so much brother I loveyou guys have a great day