WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, IN HERE,OUT THERE, EVERYONE WATCHINGFROM LOW OVER IT TO"THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST,STEPHEN COLBERT.LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS ONLYAPRIL 12TH 2023, THE 2024ELECTION IS STILL 573 DAYS AWAY.SO LET'S GET INTO IT.TODAY, SO JUST TODAY, LAST NIGHTWE LEARNED THAT CHICAGO WILLHOST THE HOST THE 2024DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION!COME ON, BABY!DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW?THIS IS GREAT NEWS BECAUSECHICAGO IS MY TOWN, BABY!I LOVE THE PEOPLE, THE LAKE, THEPIZZA, LOOKS LIKE AN ABOVEGROUNDPOOL!I LOVE ANY PLACE WHERE IT'S OKAYTO PUBLICLY UTTER THE PHRASE IWANT MY BEEF WET.I WANT MY BEEF WET ACTUALLY.OF COURSE, THIS WILL NOT BE THEWINDY CITY'S FIRST DEMOCRATICCONVENTION.CHICAGO IS FAMOUSLY WHERE THEDNC DEVOLVED INTO THE MOSTDISTURBING SCENES OF POLITICALCHAOS IN HISTORY.OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT THE1996 DNC BRUTAL MACARENA.♪ ♪[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]WASHMARK THEY ALSO TRY THAT AT THE CBUT THE DELEGATES WEREIMMEDIATELY DEPORTED.SPEAKING -- I KNOW, SAD, IT'SVERY SAD.AND SPEAKING OF CHICAGO, IRELANDWHERE PRESIDENT BIDEN IS ON ADIPLOMATIC VISIT AND AS SOON ASHE LANDED IN DUBLIN, BIDENSHOWED OFF HIS GIFT OF GABSHOWING OFF TO FIREFIGHTERS WITHTHIS STORY.>> SAVED MY LIFE, SAVE MY WIFE.MY CAT.AND MY CORVETTE.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: I'LL TELL YO, LETME TELL YOU, YOU GUYS ARE THEGREATEST, YOU FOLKS SAVEDEVERYTHING THAT MATTERS, LIFE,WIFE, CORVETTE.LITTLE MR. FEBRUARY SAYS NOWCOME ON THE OF ROOM, ROOM, GREATTO SEE YO, GOT TO GO MEET THEKING OF THE LEPRECHAUNS AND GOSTEAL HIS LUCKY CHARMS.BE RIGHT BACK.I WAS GONE FOR AMENDMENT.WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?WELL, IS THERE TO MARK THEANNIVERSARY OF THEGOOD FRIDAY AGREEMENT AND INMANY WAYS A PERSONL TRIP TO APLACE HE LOVES AND IT TURNS OUTA FORMER PRESIDENT IS ALSO INHIS HAPPY PLACE.APPARENTLY ON FOX NEWS LASTNIGHT, THE FORMER SAT DOWN WITHTUCKER CARLSON WHO THINKS TWOREVELATIONS FROM THE DOMINIONLAWSUIT WE NOW KNOW HATES THEPRESIDENT PASSIONATELY.PRIVATELY TEXTING THAT HE IS ADEMONIC FORCE.HARSH.ACCURATE WORDS.BUT LET'S SEE HOW TUCKERREFERRED TO THE DEMON LASTNIGHT.>> FOR A MAN WHO'S CARICATUREDAS AN EXTREMIST, YOU THINK WHATHE'LL FIND HE HAS TO SAYMODERATE, SENSIBLE, AND WISE.>> Stephen: THAT.THAT IS AN IMPRESSIVE FLIP-FLOP.MANY CARICATURE CTHULHU AS APREVIEW LOCALITY AND MONSTROSITYEMERGE FROMTHE BRINY DEEP TO DEVOUR MAN'SMIND BUT YOU WILL FIND HIS FACEEMODERATE AND A CHANCE TOBRING AMERICA TOGETHER WITH HISMAW OF MADNESS.THE EX-PRESIDENT RAMBLED ABOUT ALOT OF SUBJECTS LIKE THEWITHDRAWAL FROM AFGHANISTAN.HE ATTACKED BIDEN'SDECISION-MAKING AND UNVEILED ABRAND-NEW MILITARY ADVISOR.>> I DID A LITTLE SKIT WITH A5-YEAR-OLD AND I SAID LET ME ASKYOU, HERE'S THE SITUATION ANDEXPLAIN THE SITUATION.WHEN YOU TAKE THE MILITARY OUTFIRST OR WOULD YOU TAKE IT OUTLAST?I TOOK IT OUT LAST.5-YEAR-OLD.>> Stephen: TOTALLY --[LAUGHTER]TOTALLY NORMAL CONVERSATION TOHAVE WITH A 5-YEAR-OLD.WE ALL HAD THOSE CONVERSATIONS.REMINDS ME OF THE FAMOUSDR. SEUSS BOOK " ONE FISH, TWOFISH, REDFISH, WHY DIDN'TJOHNSON SEE THE TET OFFENSIVECOMING?"HE HARPED ON THE DANGERS OFNUCLEAR PROLIFERATION.AND SPEAK OF THE BIGGEST PROBLEMWE HAVE IN THE WHOLE WORLDIT'S NUCLEAR ONE.>> THEY NOW CONTROL OUR ARSENAL.THEY DON'T SEEM WORRIED ABOUTTHIS.>> THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'TUNDERSTAND LIFE, THEY DO NOTUNDERSTAND WHATEVER IT IS THATYOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.[LAUGHTER]>> Stephen: THAT IS A BROAD --[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]OH.THAT'S A FAIRLY ALL-ENCOMPASSINGPHILOSOPHY.THOSE ALL THE WAY BACK TO THEWORDS RENE DESCARTES, I THINK,THEREFORE I UNDERSTAND WHATEVERIT IS I HAVE TO THINK.THERE IS NEWS ABOUT AMERICA'SFAVORITE TOPICS, GUNS.IT TURNS OUT A POPULAR HANDGUN,P320 PISTOL FIRES WITHOUT ANYONEPULLING THE TRIGGER.FINALLY, HANDS-FREE FIREARMS.IT SET MY ALARM TO GO OFF AT6:00 A.M. AND SET MY GUN TOSHOOT MY ALARM.SHE'S ON IT.UNLIKE A LOT OF OTHER HANDGUNSON THE MARKET, IT HAS NOEXTERNAL SAFETIES TO PREVENT ITFROM FIRING IN CASES OFMALFUNCTION, IN OTHER WORDS IT'SBASICALLY COCKED AT ALL TIMES.ALSO THE NAME OF A POPULARPORNHUB CHANNEL.NO, DON'T ENCOURAGE![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]NO!SIRI, ERASE SEARCH HISTORY.I'M SORRY TOO.IT TURNS OUT A GUN THAT'S ALWAYSREADY TO FIRE IS A BAD IDEA, BUTINSISTING THAT GUNS ARE NOT APROBLEM.THE RESPONSE TO PUBLICQUESTIONS, THEY OFFERED A FEWDEFENSES INCLUDING UNINTENTIONALDISCHARGES ARE NOT UNCOMMON ANDTHEY INCUR WITH SEVERAL TYPES OFFIREARMS BESIDES THE P320.THAT'S NOT A GREAT DEFENSE.LOOK, I KNOW OUR GAS STATIONHOT DOGS BECAUSE VIOLENTINTESTINAL DISTRESS, BUT TO BEFAIR, MOST GAS STATION HOT DOGSCAUSE VIOLENT INTESTINALDISTRESS.IF YOU WANT MINE, YELPED UP PRYIT FROM MY COLD, DEAD -- OH, GOTTO GO, GOT TO GO, GOT TO GO.[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?WAS JOE BIDEN JUST HERE?SO, THERE SOME DEFECTIVE GUNSOUT THERE.ALL THE GOVERNMENT HAS TO DO ISRECALL THEM, RIGHT?HA HA, NO.IT TURNS OUT FIREARMS ARE THEYWON FEW PRODUCTS EXEMPT FROMFEDERAL CONSUMER PRODUCTS A FEWREGULATIONS.BY DOING THAT, THEY AREADMITTING THAT BY THE EXISTENCEOF A GUN, WE ARE THROWING OURHANDS IN THE WHOLE SAFETY THINGSAND THOUSANDS OF OTHER PRODUCTSHAVE BEEN RECALLED FOR LESSERREASONS THAN SPONTANEOUSSHOOTING PEOPLE.IN 2013, A TOY CHICKEN WASRECALLED FOR BEING TOO LOUD.IN 1998, PENCILS WITH THE SLOGAN"TOO COOL TO DO DRUGS" BECAUSEWHEN SHARPENED, THE MESSAGEBECAME COOL TO DO DRUGS ANDSIMPLY DO DRUGS.[CHEERING AND LAUGHTER]THAT'S WRONG, THAT'S WRONG.NO, NO.TO BE FAIR, IF YOU DO A WHOLEPENCILS WORTH OF MATH PROBLEMS,YOU EARN IT.SPEAKING OF GUNS, WE HAVE ANUPDATE FROM TENNESSEE.YOU RECALL LAST THURSDAY THEYEXPELLED TWO DEMOCRATS, JUSTINJONES AND JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSONFOR IT USING A MEGAPHONE ON THEHOUSE FLOOR IN SUPPORT OF ANANTI-GUN PROTEST THEATER MONDAYEVENING, THE METROPOLITANNATIONAL COUNCIL UNANIMOUSLYVOTED TO APPOINT JONES BACK TOHIS SEAT.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]YEAH, BABY!WHICH IS PRETTY GREAT.THAT IS PRETTY NICE, ESPECIALLYNOW BECAUSE HE'S TECHNICALLY ANEW MEMBER, JONES CAN FILE UP TO15 BILLS AND HE HAS SAID THATEACH OF THOSE BILLS HAVE TO DOWITH GUN REFORM.YES.EXCEPT FOR HIS FIRST ONE.A FEW HOURS AGO, THE OTHERSURPRISE MEMBER OF THE TENNESSEELEGISLATURE JUSTIN JAYNE PIERSONWAS ALSO REINSTATED.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THAT'S PRETTY NICE.THAT BREAKING HEADLINE AGAIN,JUSTIN, JUST IN.WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF JUSTIN JAYNEPIERSON AFTER HE WAS VOTED BACKIN BY THE COUNTY OF BOARD OFCOMMISSIONERS.>> GET BACK TO WORK![CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Stephen: NOW I'M NO BODYLANGUAGE EXPERT, BUT I THINK YOUMIGHT HAVE BEEN A LITTLEEXCITED THERE.SO GOOD WORK, TENNESSEEREPUBLICANS, YOU DID IN SILENCETHESE GUYS.THEY'RE STILL IN LEGISLATURE,YOU MADE THEM HEROES OF AMOVEMENT AND A NATIONALPOLITICAL FIGURES.I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT INFAVOR OF GUN REFORM, BECAUSE YOUJUST SHOT YOURSELF IN THE NUTS.WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT!MY GUESTS, OSCAR NOMINATED ACTORSTEVEN YEUN AND JOAN BAEZ!AND WHEN WE COME BACK!
