WELCOME, ONE AND ALL,IN HERE, OUT THERE,ALL AROUND THE WORLD.I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.THANKS IN LARGE PART OF THEFORMER PRESIDENT, THERE'S AWHOLE INDUSTRY OF PEOPLE WHOMAKE A GOOD LIVING TRYING TOMAKE YOU THINK YOU'RE INSANE.WELL, I MAKE A VERY GOOD LIVINGREMINDING YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT.NOW, YOU'D THINK THAT ONCE THEPEOPLE GASLIGHTING YOU HAVE BEENREVEALED TO BE LIARS, SAY,IN MULTIPLE TEXT MESSAGESIN A $1.6 BILLION COURT FILINGBY DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS,THEY WOULD PUMP THE BRAKES.BUT APPARENTLY, SOME PEOPLE AREJUST ADDICTED TO BEING DICKS.CASE IN POINT.FOX NEWS HOST AND TODDLERSUCKING ON A DOG TURD,TUCKER CARLSON.HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.IN ORDER TO BECOME SPEAKER,KEVIN McCARTHY HAD TO MAKE A LOTOF STUPID PROMISES TO A LOT OFAWFUL PEOPLE, LIKE MATT GAETZ.ONE OF THOSE PROMISES WAS TORELEASE 41,000 HOURS OF CAPITOLSURVEILLANCE FOOTAGE FROM THEJANUARY 6TH RIOT, BECAUSETHE FREEDOM CAUCUS HELPED CAUSETHAT MOST TRAGIC DAY IN OURNATION'S CAPITAL, AND THEYDESPERATELY NEED SOMEONE,ANYONE, TO CREATE PROPAGANDATO MAKE IT SEEM LIKE IT WASNO BIG DEAL, SO THEY CAN STAY INOFFICE, AND MAYBE DOA BETTER COUP NEXT TIME?AND McCARTHY KEPT HIS PROMISE.HE GAVE ALL THAT FOOTAGE TOTUCKER CARLSON, WHO, LAST NIGHT,CHERRYPICKED INNOCUOUS CLIPS TOTRY TO REWRITE WHAT WE ALL SAWHAPPENING WITH OUR OWNEYES ON JANUARY 6TH.>> THEY WERE PEACEFUL.THEY WERE ORDERLY AND MEEK.THESE WERE NOTINSURRECTIONISTS.THEY WERE SIGHTSEERS.>> Stephen: SIGHTSEERS?SIGHTSEERS, REALLY?"GRAB A ROCK, HONEY.WE'RE GOING TO THE LOUVRE!I WANT TO PEACEFULLY SMEARMY CRAP ON THE MONA LISA.SEE IF SHE KEEPS SMILINGAFTER THAT!"HE LIED SOME MORE.>> FOOTAGE FROM INSIDE THECAPITOL OVERTURNS THE STORYYOU HAVE HEARD ABOUTJANUARY 6TH.PROTESTERS QUEUE UP INNEAT LITTLE LINES.THEY GIVE EACHOTHER TOURS OUTSIDE THESPEAKER'S OFFICE.THEY TAKE CHEERFUL SELFIESAND THEY SMILE.THEY ARE NOTDESTROYING THE CAPITOL.THEY OBVIOUSLY REVERETHE CAPITOL.>> Stephen: YES, YES,OBVIOUSLY SO MUCH THAT THEYQUEUED UP NEATLY TO SMASH THEWINDOWS.WE ALL NUMBER THEIR CHANCE.>> WAIT YOUR TURN!WAIT YOUR TURN!>> Stephen: TUCKER ALSO TALKEDABOUT THE Q SHAMAN,THE RIOTER WHO HAD THIS TO SAYABOUT HIS OWN BEHAVIORON JANUARY 6TH.HE SAID, "I WAS WRONG FORENTERING THE CAPITOL.I HAVE NO EXCUSE,NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER.THE BEHAVIORIS INDEFENSIBLE."MAYBE SO, BUT TUCKER IN-DEFENDEDHIM.>> THE SINGLE MOST FAMOUSPERSON ARRESTED THAT DAY WAS ANAVY VETERAN FROM ARIZONACALLED JACOB CHANSLEY, OFTENREFERRED TO AS THE QANON SHAMAN.THE TAPES SHOW THE CAPITOLPOLICE NEVER STOPPED JACOBCHANSLEY.THEY HELPED HIM.THEY ACTED AS HIS TOUR GUIDES.>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT THECAPITOL POLICE SAID THAT THEIROFFICER ONLY DID THAT IN ORDERTO "DE-ESCALATE" THE SITUATIONBECAUSE THE OFFICERWAS OUTNUMBERED.EVIDENTLY, TUCKER CARLSONHAS NEVER SEEN A HOSTAGENEGOTIATION."NO ONE WAS SCARED OF THE MANIN THE BOMB VEST.IN FACT, OFFICIALS WERE SAYINGTHEY WOULD GIVE HIM WHATEVER HEWANTS.THEY ORDERED HIM PIZZA AND GAVEHIM A MILLION DOLLARSAND A HELICOPTER RIDE TO THELOCATION OF HIS CHOICE.IS THAT REALLY HOW YOU TREATAN ENEMY?"TUCKER ALSO TOOK ISSUE WITH THEFOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6THCOMMITTEE THAT SHOWEDSENATOR JOSH HAWLEYHAWLEY-ING ASS.ACCORDING TO TUCKER,THAT FOOTAGE IS DECEPTIVE.>> THE ACTUAL VIDEOTAPE SHOWSTHAT HAWLEY WAS ONE OF MANYLAWMAKERS BEING USHERED OUT OFTHE BUILDING BY CAPITOL HILLPOLICE OFFICERS.AND IN FACT, HAWLEY WAS AT THEBACK OF THE PACK.>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED.JOSH HAWLEY IS NOT JUSTSOME HYPOCRITICAL COWARD.HE'S A HYPOCRITICAL COWARDWHO RUNS SLOWER THAN70-YEAR-OLDS.AND MAY I REMIND YOU,JUST A COUPLE.JUST A COUPLE LITTLE THINGS.AND MAY I REMIND YOU,THOSE PEOPLE WERE ALL RUNNINGFOR THEIR LIVES FROM WHAT TUCKERDESCRIBES AS MEEK SIGHTSEERS.IT REMINDS ME OF THE SCENEFROM LORD OF THE RINGS.>> AND WE'RE WALKING,AND WE'RE STOMPING,AND WE'RE STOMPINGAND WE'RE MARCHING.>> WHERE'S THE GIFT SHOP!>> Stephen: TUCKER'S FASCISTFAN-BOYING WAS SUCH TRANSPARENTPROPAGANDA THAT IT DIDN'T EVENPLAY WELL WITH MEMBERS OF THEG.O.P.NORTH CAROLINA SENATORTHOM TILLIS SAID OF THE REPORT.>> I THINK IT'S BULL[BLEEP].I WAS HERE.>> Stephen: LANGUAGE, SENATOR.NANCY PELOSI, HOW WOULDYOU DESCRIBE IT?>> THE POO POO.>> Stephen: YES.A KINDER, GENTLER.TUCKER CAN TRY TOCHANGE THE NARRATIVE ALLHE WANTS.BUT WE ALL KNOW WHAT WE SAWTHAT DAY.INCLUDING THE MAN WHO CYNICALLYHANDED OVER THIS FOOTAGE, KEVINMcCARTHY.HERE'S McCARTHY CALLING INTO FOXNEWS ON JANUARY 6TH.>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS SOUN-AMERICAN.I CONDEMN ANY OF THIS VIOLENCETHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE CAPITOLRIGHT NOW.ANYONE INVOLVED IN THIS,IF YOU'RE HEARING ME, HEAR MEVERY LOUD AND CLEAR, THIS IS NOTTHE AMERICAN WAY.PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT.PEOPLE --PEOPLE ARE BEING --PEOPLE ARE BEING HURT,THERE'S BEEN SHOTS THAT HAVEBEEN FIRED, THIS ISUNACCEPTABLE.I WATCHED BARRIERS BEING BROKEN.I WATCHED PEOPLE BREAKINGWINDOWS.I WATCHED PEOPLE RUNNINGINTO A BUILDING.YOU DO NOT DO WHATIS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, I'M BEINGTOLD WE HAVE TUCKER'S EDIT OFMCCARTHY'S PHONE CALL.>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS SOAMERICAN.HEAR ME VERY LOUD AND CLEAR,PEOPLE ARE BEING ACCEPTABLE.SHOTS.SHOTS.>> Stephen: BABY SHARK.FOR SOMETHING THATTUCKER SAYS DIDN'T HAPPEN,THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLEPLEADING GUILTY TO DOING IT.YESTERDAY THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENTARRESTS HIT 1,000 IN CONNECTIONWITH JANUARY 6TH.THAT'S RIGHT!1,000 ARRESTS!JOHNNY, TELL THE AMERICANPEOPLE WHAT THEY'VE WON!>> STILL NO CONSEQUENCESFOR THE MAN WHO INCITED THEWHOLE COUP!WE DEMAND JUSTICE!AND A NEW DINETTE SETFROM BROYHILL.BROYHILL:"NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING"!BACK TO YOU, STEVE.>> Stephen: AND NOW THE FEDSHAVE ARRESTED THE JANUARY 6THRIOTER DUBBED "SPIDER-NAZI."♪ SPIDER-NAZI♪ SPIDER-NAZI♪ DID A COUP♪ AND HE GOT CAUGHT-ZI♪ BROKE INSIDE♪ THOUGHT HE'D GET OFF♪ HE'S THE BUG VERSION♪ OF ADOLF!♪ LOOK OUT!HERE COMES THE SPIDER-NAZI! ♪THIS DUMMY'S NAME ISBRANDON KELLY DILLARD, SEEN HEREWITH THE ONLY WOMEN WHO'LL EVERTALK TO HIM.THE CHARGES ARE PRETTY BAD,INCLUDING ILLEGAL ENTRY,DISORDERLY CONDUCT,AND UTTERING "LOUD, THREATENING,OR ABUSIVE" LANGUAGEIN THE CAPITOL BUILDING.SPIDER NAZI WILL BE TRIEDALONGSIDE HIS FELLOWKNOCK-OFF SUPERHEROES"CAPTAIN UN-MERICA",AND A GROUP OF MUTANTS CALLEDTHE "NEVER HAD SEX MEN."OF COURSE, THE GUY WHO INSPIREDSPIDER NAZI IS RUNNINGFOR PRESIDENT AGAIN.HE'S REPORTEDLY ALREADY EYEINGPOTENTIAL RUNNING MATES,AND HE WANTS SOMEBODY WHO ISUNFAILINGLY LOYALAND BLAND ENOUGH THAT THEY DON'TSTEAL ANY SPOTLIGHT.THAT'S RIGHT.BLANDER THAN MIKE PENCE.GET READY FOR HIS RUNNING MATE:SLICE OF WET BREAD.2024.BUT...[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENTIS TRYING TO WIN OVER SUBURBANWHITE WOMEN, SO HE MIGHTHAVE TO GO "LADY" BLAND.ACCORDING TO PEOPLECLOSE TO HIM, HE'S STRONGLYCONSIDERING PICKING A FEMALERUNNING MATE.AND REPORTEDLY, THE CURRENTFRONTRUNNER IS FAILED ARIZONAGUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATEKARI LAKE, SEEN HERE WEARINGA BLOUSE SHE SHED LAST WEEK.QUALITY JOKE.QUALITY JOKE.THAT'S A STROKER.LAKE LOST HER ELECTIONAND REFUSES TO ADMIT IT.BUT SHE HAS GOT ONE WIN UNDERHER BELT.THIS WEEKEND, SHE WONA STRAW POLL FOR THE REPUBLICANV.P. PICK DURING CPAC.SHE MUST HAVE BEEN SO HONORED TOHAVE MAGA VOTERS CHOOSE HER ASTHE NEXT VICE PRESIDENT THEYTRY TO HANG.BUT LAKE FOUND A WAY TO DENYTHIS ELECTION AS WELL,SAYING THROUGH A SPOKESPERSON,"WE'RE FLATTERED,BUT UNFORTUNATELY OUR LEGAL TEAMSAYS THE CONSTITUTION WON'TALLOW FOR HER TO SERVE ASGOVERNOR AND VPAT THE SAME TIME."THAT'S A GOOD POINT.KARI LAKE IS CURRENTLYTHE SITTING GOVERNOR OF THESTATE OF DENIAL.SPEAKING...[APPLAUSE]SPEAKING OF DANGEROUS IDIOTS,ELON MUSK IS STILLRUNNING TWITTER.AND TECHNICALLY, RUNNING ITINTO THE GROUND.BECAUSE YESTERDAY, TWITTER WASHIT WITH ONE OF THE BIGGESTOUTAGES SINCE MUSK TOOK OVER.DURING THE APP-WIDE OUTAGE,USERS COULD NOT ACCESS PHOTOSOR LINKS.THAT'S ROUGH.EVERYONE KNOWS THE LINKS ARETHE BEST PART OF TWITTER 'CAUSETHEY TAKE YOU AWAY FROM TWITTER.BUT TWITTER, DON'T YOU WORRY.BACK UP NOW,AND AFTER A QUICK INVESTIGATION,IT WAS REVEALED THAT JUST ONEENGINEER CAUSED ALL THOSEPROBLEMS.AND THAT PERSON IS THE LASTREMAINING SITE RELIABILITYENGINEER.IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.THERE'S ONLY ONE GUY.WE HAVE FOOTAGE FROM INSIDETWITTER HEADQUARTERS OF THATENGINEER TRYING TO KEEP UP.WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOUTONIGHT.MY GUESTS ARE JAMES TAYLOR ANDEVA LONGORIA.BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,"MEANWHILE."♪ ♪
